My roommate and I were having a high-brow conversation about Britney Spear’s latest music video the other night. She looks great, but we couldn’t figure out what it was–body is super fit, dance moves seemed remarkably on point, but no no, that wasn’t exactly it. Finally, Daniel hit it on the head:
“Well you know what, she just looks really awake.”
Dear God, please don’t ever let me get to a point where the crowning compliment someone pays me is that I look “remarkably awake” (though to be clear, I’d like to get close to that point). But you know what, he’s absolutely right. She seems to be hot blooded and ready to go.
More importantly, though, Spears’ video reeks of everything we loved about haute-couture 90s music videos. Desert dance scene? Yep. Inappropriately parked sports cars? Duh.
Solo in front of a dressing mirror? Come on, what do you think this is–amateur hour??–got it. She even has her signature black bell bottom dance pants (which, as a historical note, were not in style at any point).
It’s a relief that, with YouTube, we’re now in a music video renaissance. So of course, Daniel and I took this as an opportunity to indulge in some of cinema’s greatest, in an effort to prepare ourselves for a future that now looks visually promising yet again.
You know what I miss? Completely literal representations of a song. I’m tired of fighting through all of the allegorical themes in a Lady Gaga video, thank god Britney never made us work (comma bitch) that hard for a meaning. I mean she named the main character in that video Lucky, goddamnit.
It’s also worth taking a moment of silence for “Making the Video”–we all vividly remember each of those episodes, and how Britney would never miss an opportunity to help us navigate through some of her trickier plot lines, just in case it wasn’t clear that Lucky was a movie star who looked to have everything, but deep down she was actually very sad and unhappy. Ohhh okay, got it now–thanks Brit!
Come on Over (or ven conmigo, as I like to say)
So, here’s what I’m thinking: let’s get a bunch of future-race people together, put them in gym clothes and sparkly tube tops and have them dance in front of a gigantic, shimmering piece of chiffon fabric. Metallic balls! Make *sure* they’re holding metallic silver bouncey balls. Kthanksbye.
I like to think of Christina as the original Hombre, putting that hairstyle on the map a good decade ago. In fact, I gently encouraged (at gunpoint) all of my girl friends that red lowlights would be a “smart decision,” and I’d just like to say thank you and you’re welcome. I also remember being very bullish on body crystals at the time, which I argued were always appropriate and made a great day-to-night transition accessory. I’m still waiting for that trend to come to fruition.
This is arguably the easiest dance in the world, and my only recommendation in terms of an efficient way to learn the moves would be to take a Xanax beforehand, as I think it really helps capture Mariah’s tempo and energy.
Observation: good God, why do Mariah’s boobs always look like they’re separated by Lake Superior. And they’re always *just-barely* contained in her top (top being a very loose descriptor for several pieces of fabric, fastened together by dental floss who have been waving their white flags for sometime now). Given the geography of her chest, I always feel the need to salute that top, for all of the hard work it’s put in.
One last thing: thanks Mariah for putting ripped jeans on the map. It’s too bad that you inaccurately anticipated the correct side of the jeans to rip, but we appreciate the effort nonetheless–you helped tens of teenagers across the country ruin a perfectly good pair of jeans by encouraging them to destroy what is quite possibly the most important part of the pant.
Because of you
Oh haaaey, San Francisco! Wow, it’s very easy to understand why the rest of the country thinks we’re so gay, with videos like that. But oh em gee, they were really on top of the Golden Gate Bridge a long time. And I don’t even see harnii, so that’s quite the feat!!
Buttttt….Jeff Timmons. Man, what a treat, right? Though, he used to be huge, from a muscle point of view; looking at this video, I now categorize him as “just alright” in the body department, which goes to show you the intense pressure kids are under these days and how our body image has changed. Speaking of kids, he had one at the time. I remember that didn’t bother me then (it was almost charming), though with all that’s emerged in the news about children and the problems they lead to, you can better believe that’s a deal breaker at present. Today, Jeff is now a dancer at Chippendale’s in Vegas, so his life is clearly on the up-and-up; also, he’s a father of four (which sounds awful–and of course, I mean the kids, not the dancer part; most of you know that it’s a long term goal of mine to be objectified because of my body).
It’s gonna be me
And then there was the great debate of 2000 (which nearly brought down the entire economy and probably foreshadowed the terrorist attack the following year): Justin or JC. It seems so obvious now (Justin, duh!!), but I remember at the time screaming at the television when music video director Wayne Isham didn’t give what I thought to be adequate screen time to JC. Turns out, Wayne, you really were the visionary they all said you were, and I’d like to offer you my sincerest apologies, even if it’s about 13 years too late. (As I’m sure you know, JC would go on to let his hair grow out and get blonde highlights just a few months later, to tragic consequences; meanwhile, Justin went on to put out “SexyBack”–’nuff said)
In college, my freshman dorm would become the “Video Room” on Friday and Saturday nights (which looking back, sounds borderline psycho-sexual, and it probably was a little bit)–I had a playlist of classic music videos to set the mood as we pregamed before going out. So let me just say how excited I am to reopen that video room again with a new generation of music videos (and this time, let there be no doubt in its psycho-sexual intentions).