It’s the end of an era tonight: the Hills series finale. Normally, series finales don’t move me very much. But this one’s different. They were the same year as me, and consequently, we shared many of the same life experiences together: Prom night, challenging internships with difficult bosses, having our sex tapes splashed over the internet. Who will help me process these life experiences now that they’re leaving? Kim Kardashian? I think not.
If you don’t watch The Hills religiously, don’t worry: neither do I…neither do most people. That’s why it’s in its series finale. In fact, if you’ve watched one episode, essentially you’ve watched all 6 seasons of it. There are usually three plot lines per episode; here they are:
Plot Line #1: LC/Kristin endlessly speculate with their friend, Lo/Whitney, about the likelihood of them dating serial polygamist Brody Jenner, all the while remaining steadfast that really they “see him more like a brother than a lovah.” Here’s the thing, though, about brothers: when they call you on the phone, you don’t drop everything you’re doing to go hang out with them. You don’t write their name over and over again in your notebook and scribble hearts around it. And you don’t get wasted at Les Deux and then go home and make out with them. Kristin/LC: you probably should look into your relationship with your brothers.
Plot Line #2: Idiot Spencer Pratt does something douchey to his wife, idiot Heidi Montag. Heidi seeks out the advice of a member of her family, who gives her the exact same advice that all of us at home are screaming into the television (dump Spencer!!) and then, after 25 seconds of careful deliberation, she gets back together with her husband.
Plot Line #3: Audrina/Justin Bobby “Drama.” I use air quotes here because Audrina uses the term “drama” extremely lightly; she clings on to any form of communication with Justin Bobby and then spends the next 2-6 weeks dissecting it. “He looked at me, what do you think that means?” Umm, that he has sensitive corneas? You see, the problem is that Justin Bobby doesn’t like Audrina enough to date her, but, as Audrina so astutely points out, he has eyeballs. And like any self-respecting male, he cannot pass on that nice piece of ass. On numerous occasions, I’ve contemplated purchasing He’s Just Not that Into You for Audrina, but I’m waiting for the icon-based version of that text to come out as I believe that will be easier for her to grasp.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned (or rather, relearned) from watching The Hills it’s that:
- “Boys can be jerks. Huge jerks. Boys sucks, girls rule” and that
- Girls are pretty bad at picking up on consistent trends in their love lives; they excel at repeating the exact same mistakes and expecting dramatically different results.
So, cast of The Hills, I’d like to individually bid you one last farewell, even though I’m fairly convinced your lives will continue to play out on the cover of US Weekly for at least another 15 or so seconds.
Stacie the Bartender Roommate.
Stacie, I think I’ll miss you most of all! I thought you were just a fleeting character when you played Spencer Pratt’s mistress in Season 5. But then, miraculously, you reappeared with the subtitle “Kristin’s Friend” in Season 5. Although MTV gave no indication that you were in fact the same Stacie, us prolific Googlers were able to quickly ascertain that you were in fact the Stacie of Bartending fame. We also discovered topless photos of you. I can only imagine that you tested well in the 18-24 demographic. To that, young lady, I say bravo! Look at you translating a minimum wage job where you get harassed by C-list reality-TV stars into a maximum wage job where you get harassed by C-list reality-TV stars. A promotion’s a promotion, and for that, we salute you.
The Pratts
Thank you for making my family look less dysfunctional, that’s quite an accomplishment. Stephanie Pratt—while you are probably the biggest idiot in a family that uses retardation as currency, I’m fairly certain that you will find some other member of the reality television world to cling to. You’ve demonstrated a keen ability to do so thus far, even if it requires throwing members of your family under a bus. Though, to be fair, many of your family members deserved a hearty bus trampling, so no judgments coming from this corner.
Heidi and Spencer—I feel like the further you two slip into obscurity, the louder and more desperate your shenanigans become. And I eagerly await the next one. As a matter of accounting, I believe you’re at your legal limit for divorces/annulments, but I’m fairly confident you’ll manufacture some new vehicle for getting yourself on the cover of tabloids. Maybe Heidi will push the boundaries of plastic surgery even further and install a third boob between the beach balls she already has on her chest. Or Spencer might self-draft himself to be Sarah Palin’s Vice Presidential candidate. Do I have ESP? No, I’m not saying that. But are these plausible plot lines for the Montag-Pratts? Based on the course of their lives thus far, absolutely.
Kristin Cavalliri
I must say that was quite the shock when you entered Speidi’s wedding in that blue dress. And boy had I missed you. Thanks for coming back.
You know how dogs can hear really high-pitched noises? Or how ants communicate with each other through smell. Well, I think girls are like dogs/ants. Before you jump up in arms, just bare with me through this analogy.
There are some girls that just rub every other girl they come in contact with the wrong way. Kristin is one of those girls. As guys, we can’t understand why. Cute chick, likes sports and enjoys hanging out with the guys. What’s not to like? Well, guys—I have the answer: Kristin emits a really high-pitched noise/off-putting pheromone that’s undetectable to our testosterone-infused bodies. But rest assured, it’s there. And that’s why she can never get along with other girls. I think I’ll call it Cavalliri syndrome.
I leave you with one last prediction for tonight’s episode: LC returns. And then the show ends. Probably with a pink suitcase in the back of a black convertible.
Tags: Heidi Montag, Kristin Cavalliri, Lauren Conrad, MTV, Series Finale, Speidi, Spencer Pratt, Stacie The Bartender, Stephanie Pratt, The City, The Hills
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