I present to you Stefani Germanotta, an Italian broad from Manhattan. You may know her as Lady Gaga.

Coincidentally, she was in an episode of MTV’s Boiling Point a few years ago, the show which tested unsuspecting people to see how much shit they would put up with until they cracked. Spoiler altert: Gaga doesn’t make it the whole time.

Here are my thoughts:

1. What? She’s normal? It’s weird seeing Gaga without an orbiting ring around her head or a cluster of Kermit The Frogs pinned to her blouse. Or without blood gushing out of her body. Or not showing her cooch.
2. She’s a brunette. It looks good. It looks healthy (the current Gaga looks anything but).
3. She’s vulnerable. She has insecurities. She doesn’t like sitting at a table, alone (who does, I guess?). At 0:23, she does that awkward hair toss which proves it. You know the one I’m talking about, you’ve probably done it before: your nose is slightly cocked up as you glance around the room as if to tell everyone “Yes, I am alone right now, but I’m usually surrounded by tens of people.” Here’s some advice for the next time, Gaga: do what the rest of us do—bring a book and pretend you’re reading it.
4. Her full name is Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta. Italian Guidette McStereotype says what? Move over J-Wow, because I smell the newest addition to the Jersey Shore crew.

   After some extensive research as to how Gaga got her name (Wikipedia…is there any other form of extensive research??), turns out it’s a funny story (not haha-funny, more like good cocktail conversation-funny):

   

   Oh man, I was going to wear that.

   “Every day, when Stef came to the studio, instead of saying hello, I would start singing ‘Radio Ga Ga.’ That was her entrance song. [Lady Gaga] was actually a glitch; I typed ‘Radio Ga Ga’ in a text and it did an autocorrect so somehow ‘Radio’ got changed to ‘Lady’. She texted me back, “That’s it.” After that day, she was Lady Gaga. She’s like, “Don’t ever call me Stefani again.”

   T-9: even when you’re wrong, you’re right.

On the whole, I don’t like seeing Stefanie Germanotta this way. In general, I don’t like hearing her speak, even in interview. It makes her seem more human, more real. And I don’t like it…I don’t like it one bit.

In other Gaga-news, an audio clip was released last week of Britney Spears demoing Telephone, synthesized and everything, just the way a good Britney single should be. Apparently, Gaga wrote the song for Britney, but when Britney passed, Gaga recorded it with Beyonce. It’s kind of an interesting look into how the music production industry works – check it out (and yes, I’m linking to Perez Hilton; don’t be fooled, I don’t read that site. It’s the only place with the full demo, though).

Sometimes I ask myself where I’d be without the Today Show. They’re constantly throwing relevant information my way, like how to lose that baby weight after giving birth, or recipes for the best vegan, soy cookies. They’ve even taught me how to identify the signs that my child is sext-ing with their friends (damn kids and their technology!).

Last week, I almost missed a winner: Superbowl 101 – tips for a woman to fake her way through the Superbowl. Meredith’s guest, Betsey Berns, lays out some really helpful tips that are sure to make you sound like a pro. Some of them include:

1. Knowing the colors of the teams: Colts are blue and white, Saints are black and gold – gee golly, that’s a really helpful tip!.
2. Throw out some technical terms, like “Blitz” – as if that this is some sort of foreign word that isn’t already deeply woven into the English language, thanks Betsey!

I’m not even a feminist (that’s a dirty lie, I absolutely am), but wow, this is pretty chauvinistic towards women. What’s worse: it’s a discussion between two females.

Lance Armstrong: now here's a Twitter user I actually enjoy. Keep it up, Lance!

I used to think it was kind of cool to follow celebrities on Twitter. My favorite: Lance Armstrong. Not because I enjoyed hearing what he had to say, but because he posted cool pictures that gave a behind-the-scenes look at his life–training pictures, new gear he got from his sponsors, and pictures with his children. It was like I was Facebook friends with Lance, and who wouldn’t enjoy being Facebook friends with a 7-time Tour de France winner?

But then more and more celebrities started using Twitter. And rather than posting cool pictures, they posted annoying political statements and picked fights with other celebrities. Great, just what we needed: a middle-school playground for famous people!

Now here’s the thing about Twitter: everything is shortened into 140-character tweets. OK, time for a fun exercise: say something intellectual about the heathcare debate. Or think about someone that really pissed you off last week, and tell me why that person annoys you. How many words did that take you? More than 20? Thought so. Do you know what happens when you limit an argument to 140 characters–roughly 20 words. You sound stupid.

It’s already hard enough for celebrities to sound smart. Let’s not handicap them anymore by forcing them to vocalize their opinions in a platform that A) limits them to about 20 words while B) taking away their ability to visually communicate their message–arguably their greatest asset.

Some examples:

Newt Gingrich, tweeting about the confirmation of Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor [Newt: your sentence structure makes a caveman look like Shakespeare]:

White man racist nominee would be forced to withdraw. Latina woman racist should also withdraw.

She tweets almost as much as she eats. So a lot.

Or Kirstie Alley [who, by the way, tweets like 97 times a day, and whose stream is riddled with grammatical errors], getting mad over a few well-deserved fat jokes made by Conan O’Brien:

@StarJonesEsq I’ll tell you ONE BITCH I’m gonna knck out next time I see her is CONAN O’BITCH O’BRIAN..that guy acts like I bit his dick off

Another gem from Kirstie:

CHEATING is between a husband and wife. Not TMZ and Joy Bewhore….God, I want to bash her in the vagina with her microphone..

Or Heidi Montag, whose profile just says: “I love Jesus.” Really? She, by the way, has over 1 million followers. Again: really?

Anyway, the only good thing to come out of celebrities using Twitter is when someone hacked several high-profile accounts; it was golden:

If you are a celebrity, here are some easy takeaways to use when managing your social media presence:

1. Post pictures, not politics. You’re already relatively vapid; forming a cogent argument in 140 characters is difficult for anyone, much less you.
2. Get hacked. It makes for lively discussions about the composition of your orfices. And everyone wins when this happens.
3. Less access, please. Turns out, you guys are just like us. We liked thinking you were different, it made you seem special. Turns out you’re not.

Just had to get that off my chest.

Wow, Ke$ha. Pretty bad ass, if you ask me. Where'd you learn those sick hand gestures?

Ok, so three things that are begging to be pointed out with this one:

1) First of all, Ke$ha, spelled with a $ sign and everything, is a freckled, blonde, white girl. Really? Reeaaallly?

2) Although it’s usually never a good idea, let’s dive into some of the lyrics; I think they’re worth a second look:

“Before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack.”

My question to you: How many girls do you know who actually enjoy sipping Jack Daniels, much less drinking so much of it as to “brush their teeth” with it on a recurring basis, becoming the opening line of their first single? Really, now.

3) Another lyrical dissection, though it truly pains me:

“We kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger.”

I guess that following a good "teeth brushing" of Jack, this might look attractive. Though even that seems to be a stretch...

Strike three, Ke$ha. Need I remind you what Mick Jagger looks like? Not since the 1980s has Mick Jagger been trumpeted as a man of superior looks. Just because it rhymes with swagger, don’t make it right.

Because they produce ridiculous quotes like this one, from the mayor of Arlington, TN, speaking about the President’s decision to hold a prime-time address to the nation to announce an escalation of forces in Afghanistan:

“Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch ‘The Charlie Brown Christmas Special’ and our muslim president is there, what a load…..try to convince me that wasn’t done on purpose.”

No extra commentary needed. Mayor Russell Wiseman pretty accurately captured the sentiment of the nation with that comment. Which, by the way, he posted to Facebook.

She's a fucking genius.

Just read this article. It’s actually super helpful. So go ahead, read it. Now. And then reflect.

OK, fine–I’ll just summarize it. But I’m warning you, Martha Beck is much more eloquent.

A designated problem is an issue that we spend an inordinate amount of time thinking and obsessing about: relationships, weight, money, etc. The “if I could just fix this one thing my life would be glorious” problem.

But often times, these designated problems really just mask a bigger problem, “dominating our psyches so that other troubles can go unnoticed.”

I read this article earlier in the week and kind of tucked it away. I knew I had a designated problem, but what is it? Then I went and logged on to one of three dating sites I’m using. “Oh wait, THIS is my designated problem–being single.”

Finding the designated problem is the easy part–it’s what you’re constantly thinking about; the hard part is finding the issue that the designated problem is masking…that takes a little bit more self-reflection.

I went to a friend’s house later in the week with a bunch of people I didn’t know. And I kind of just sat there. A room full of people, and I didn’t make any effort to make conversation with anyone. And then it hit me: this was the real issue–a lack of confidence when meeting new people.

If you know me, you might be surprised that I get painfully and awkwardly shy in social situations where I don’t feel comfortable. Like networking events, for example. I haaaate networking events. Like 100% detest them (who enjoys them, though?). I will go and take extended bathroom breaks–we’re talking sitting on the toilet and typing pointless e-mails on my iPhone, just so that I don’t have to talk to new people. Or parties–the reason that I like hosting a party (or having a job at a party) is that I know I won’t get stuck talking to someone for very long. Because when you’re hosting a party, you always get just the best part of the conversation–enough to say “Hey, how are you–glad you could make it” and then you get to excuse yourself while you check on something that doesn’t really exist. The guest leaves the conversation happy because they spoke to the host, and I’m happy because I get to ditch the person without having to go very deep into the sea of awkwardness.

It makes sense, right? You can’t date people if you’re not making the effort to introduce yourself. So as long as I remain shy and unapproachable, my designated problem–being single–will persist.

For the last couple months, I had been working on the dating problem, making a conscious effort to go out there and meet people. It had been working, to some extent. But I’m not dating, so obviously it hasn’t been working very well. Now I’m going to focus my efforts on the underlying problem: that lack of confidence. When I answer that, the rest should fall in place. What, like it’s hard??

Anyway, there–that was my introspective look for the week. So now you’re probably thinking to yourself: “What’s my designated problem? Or more importantly, what is it masking??”

Well, I told you mine, so it’s your turn…

Once again, thank you Oprah. You’re always right.

Last night’s VMA debacle only confirmed what we already knew: Kanye West is a huge douchebag. Like on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being humble old Mother Theresa and 10 being that Ed Hardy-wearing guido, Kanye is like an 11 or 12. Yeah. He surpasses this guy.

So I decided to compile some of the most douchey-est quotes from Kanye. Without further ado, let’s jump in:

1. He told Michael Jackson’s parents that he was going to take over the role of “King of Pop“:

   “You know everyone loves and respects Michael but times change. It’s so sad to see Michael gone but it makes a path for a new King of Pop and I’m willing to take that on…First there was Elvis [Presley], then there was Michael, now in the 21st century it’s Kanye’s time to rule. I have nothing but respect for Michael but someone needs to pick up where he left off and there’s nobody better than me to do that. I am the new King of Pop.”

   So this actually turned out to be fake. But still, it sounds like something he would say, right? And in my blog, that’s good enough…

2. He tried to sue Twitter. Because people were making fake accounts impersonating him. But the best part is what he posted to his blog (the caps lock is from him):

   “I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING TWITTER… WHY WOULD I USE TWITTER??? I ONLY BLOG 5 PERCENT OF WHAT I’M UP TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. I’M ACTUALLY SLOW DELIVERING CONTENT BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY ACTUALLY BUSY BEING CREATIVE MOST OF THE TIME AND IF I’M NOT AND I’M JUST LAYING ON A BEACH I WOULDN’T TELL THE WORLD. EVERYTHING THAT TWITTER OFFERS I NEED LESS OF.”

   He only blogs about 5% of the time on what he’s actually doing. Well, Mr. West, I’d like to take this opportunity to personally thank you for giving us a glimpse into 5% of your Caps Locked-filled life. Really, it’s fascinating.

3. He thinks he’s an etymologist. He’s not. But just for shits and giggles, let’s let him try:

   “Only white people and older black people say ‘bling’ now. If a white person uses slang too early, then that makes them look like a wigger. But if black people use slang too late, then it makes them look like a wigger.”
   

   Thanks for that grammar lesson, Kanye.

4. He titled his apology to Taylor Swift “I feel like Ben Stiller in ‘Meet the Parents’ when he messed up everything and Robert de Niro asked him to leave.”Really, Kanye? That’s the best you could come up with?? Well, you see, the difference between you and Ben Stiller is that Ben Stiller is likable. He has a pleasant disposition. You aren’t and you don’t.
5. And my personal favorite; his douche bag-y lyrics. There are a lot to choose from, but how about these from Stronger: “Do anybody make real shit anymore?
   Bow in the presence of greatness
   ‘Cause right now thou hast forsaken us.
   You should be honoured by my lateness,
   That I would even show up to this fake shit.

   My contention with these lyrics is that this song is a cover of a Daft Punk song that came out six years earlier. Don’t get me wrong–it’s a really good song. But the premise, Mr. West, of you calling out other artists for not “making real shit” anymore in a song that’s a cover of another song is just, well, hypocritical? Ironic? Stupid? Yes!!–that’s it, stupid.

So, in summary, you’re a huuuuuuge douche bag, Kanye. It just sucks that you make really good songs. Because other than that, you’re a douche.

In reading and listening to all of the tributes that have poured in following the death of Senator Ted Kennedy, this one sentence from Christine Pelosi of the Huffington Post in particular stood out:

I admired him for emerging out of his loss and his brothers’ shadow to be one of the best Senators in history — proving that you don’t have to reach your highest political ambition in order to reach your fullest human potential.

Well said, Christine Pelosi. Well said.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta: the most quotable season yet.

Here are a collection of videos from the show that continues to raise the bar of ridiculous fights:

“Who gonna check me, boo?” the best line ever [1:10]

“Yousa a motha fuckin liar” [2:20]

…and later

Sheree: “I’m gonna go kick her ass”

Nene: “Sheree–wait a minute. I gotta get my purse. oooooo… I can’t run in dese heels” [4:00]

..and just for fun, here’s a spoof of the New Jersey reunion from Chelsea Lately: